Jun 20, 2016

The High Calling of Fatherhood ~ Paul Robertson




More about CPYU and Paul Robertson

Related Article by Paul Robertson: Understanding Today's Youth

We live in a time and culture when the importance of fatherhood is very much maligned. The media has gone out of its way to portray fathers as unreliable, silly, and spineless. Fatherhood is under fire in Hollywood and in the courts. We forget that fathers play a noble, valid, and valuable role which culture often overlooks and doesn’t understand. 

David Popenoe, author of Families without Fathers, reminds us of the significant part a father plays in the life of his kids. The way a father plays with his children has effects on everything from the management of emotions to intelligence and academic performance. By simply loving and interacting with their offspring, fathers teach them they are love-worthy which in turn builds strong self-esteem. A father’s involvement has also been linked to improved verbal and problem-solving skills. 

Another study found that highly involved biological fathers had children who were 43 percent more likely than other children to achieve mostly “A” marks and 33 percent less likely to repeat a grade. The same researchers show children with involved dads are more likely to be emotionally secure, be confident to explore their surroundings, and have better social connections with peers as they continue to mature. These same children are less likely to be getting into trouble at home, school, and in public. (The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children—Rosenberg and Wilcox, 2006). 

In order to stay connected with their children, fathers have been required to play a variety of roles. In light of the challenging youth culture our kids face, these tasks take on an even greater sense of importance compared to prior generations. We have focused on the five roles outlined by Garret Evans and Kate Fogarty (The Common Roles of Fathers: The Five Ps) from the University of Florida as they apply within the current youth culture. 

Participator 

In the distraction of our daily schedules, we have forgotten the importance of simply being there for our kids. Some children learn that dad will only show up in crisis situations when mom can no longer handle things. Participating fathers are there to help their children with the everyday issues which in turn lead to more meaningful relationships. It is a great way to teach basic life skills such as making good choices, choosing good friends, and learning to discern the important issues of life. Dads lead the way by being an example of what they want their children to become. We all know that “more is caught than taught.” 

Playmate 
Fathers tend to engage in more physical play than mothers who tend to be nurturers. Roughhousing has a number of benefits— builds muscles and coordination, a place to teach rules and self-control, taking turns, and learning how to play physically without hurting others. It is also a wonderful time for meaningful conversations and building deep emotional bonds. Dads often underestimate the benefits of simply playing with their kids. 

Principled Guide 
Youth culture is permeated with an indifference to morality and perhaps the greatest role a father can now play is that of principled guide. It takes a great father to guide his children through their moral minefields. Kids are looking for direction and guidance and it needs to come from the home. Fathers help young people to see the dangers ahead and how to set boundaries for healthy living. Proper discipline teaches socially desirable behaviour and builds character. It enables children to understand the consequences and reality of their own decisions and actions; something that is often missing in the media they watch. 

Provider 
Society still values a father who provides tangible resources for his family. Some fathers believe that if they provide enough material things for their kids that they will be happy. If possessions made one happy, this generation of young people should be the happiest ever. However, most long for relationships more than resources. Dads can provide time helping with homework, attending school activities, and caring for their children. There is a nurturing to fathers for which all kids long. He sets the character example for what he wants his son or daughter to be when they grow up.

Preparer
Many teenagers and young adults are struggling because they were never properly prepared for the real world; somehow life is much simpler on TV. Fathers need to help their children discover their gifts and passions and guide them into developing those passions into a career. Direction on values, morality, integrity, and character are also part of the preparation. Parents want their children to grow up to be responsible citizens and it doesn’t happen by chance. It takes an involved father to assist them in making the right choices in a world where cheating, bullying, intimidation, and lying have become the new life-skills if it means getting ahead. The ultimate goal is to prepare them to live life on their own with honour and compassion. In our own research, Youth Unlimited has sampled a number of young people asking what they expect their father to be in a world that is changing quickly and that often fails to provide positive direction for them. Here is a sample of what we heard. 

First, they expect their fathers to ask them how they are doing, how their day was, and then take time to listen to their answers. They need to know their father cares about them. In one Canadian survey, 73 percent of our teens said having someone to listen to them is “very, very important.” The internet may be a great place to chat but is anyone really listening? 

Second, they expect their fathers to be consistent and to model the behaviour and beliefs they talk about. Fathers are expected to teach moral beliefs and standards and to be an example. Young people hate hypocrisy and double standards. They want authenticity in a media world of shallowness and lies. 

Third, young people long for fathers to love them unconditionally. They need to know that regardless of how stupid they can be that their dad will love them “no matter what.” Teens want to see the emotional and compassionate side of the man they look up to. It makes their fathers human in a rather impersonal, technological world.

Fourth, girls want their fathers to treat them with respect both verbally and physically. Dads need to set the standard for what their daughters should expect from the other men in their life. Honouring your daughter makes her feel worthy and loved and helps her get beyond the simple notion of being an “object” in her youth culture.

Fifth, as much as they need guidance they also want freedom. Freedom is earned as they prove they are responsible. Preparing your teens to live in the real world is a long and complicated process but very rewarding when done properly. There is no doubt we live in a busy world where everyone’s schedule is more than full. Fathers feel the pressure of providing for the family while juggling a hundred other important tasks. However, in the end, dads only get one chance to raise their kids properly. If, as one mother said, “When you die, the only thing you take with you is the love and memories of your children,” then the question becomes, “What will their memories of us be?”





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