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Related Article by Paul Robertson: Understanding Today's Youth
We live in a time and culture when the
importance of fatherhood is very much maligned.
The media has gone out of its way
to portray fathers as unreliable, silly, and
spineless. Fatherhood is under fire in Hollywood
and in the courts. We forget that fathers
play a noble, valid, and valuable role
which culture often overlooks and doesn’t
understand.
David Popenoe, author of Families without
Fathers, reminds us of the significant
part a father plays in the life of his kids. The
way a father plays with his children has effects
on everything from the management
of emotions to intelligence and academic
performance. By simply loving and interacting
with their offspring, fathers teach them
they are love-worthy which in turn builds
strong self-esteem. A father’s involvement
has also been linked to improved verbal and
problem-solving skills.
Another study found that highly involved
biological fathers had children who were 43
percent more likely than other children to
achieve mostly “A” marks and 33 percent
less likely to repeat a grade. The same researchers
show children with involved dads
are more likely to be emotionally secure,
be confident to explore their surroundings,
and have better social connections with
peers as they continue to mature. These
same children are less likely to be getting
into trouble at home, school, and in public.
(The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy
Development of Children—Rosenberg and
Wilcox, 2006).
In order to stay connected with their children,
fathers have been required to play a
variety of roles. In light of the challenging
youth culture our kids face, these tasks take
on an even greater sense of importance
compared to prior generations. We have focused
on the five roles outlined by Garret
Evans and Kate Fogarty (The Common
Roles of Fathers: The Five Ps) from the University
of Florida as they apply within the
current youth culture.
Participator
In the distraction of our daily schedules,
we have forgotten the importance of simply
being there for our kids. Some children
learn that dad will only show up in crisis
situations when mom can no longer handle
things. Participating fathers are there to
help their children with the everyday issues
which in turn lead to more meaningful relationships.
It is a great way to teach basic life
skills such as making good choices, choosing
good friends, and learning to discern the
important issues of life. Dads lead the way
by being an example of what they want their
children to become. We all know that “more
is caught than taught.”
Playmate
Fathers tend to engage in more physical
play than mothers who tend to be nurturers.
Roughhousing has a number of benefits—
builds muscles and coordination, a place to
teach rules and self-control, taking turns,
and learning how to play physically without
hurting others. It is also a wonderful time
for meaningful conversations and building
deep emotional bonds. Dads often underestimate
the benefits of simply playing with
their kids.
Principled Guide
Youth culture is permeated with an indifference
to morality and perhaps the greatest
role a father can now play is that of principled
guide. It takes a great father to guide
his children through their moral minefields.
Kids are looking for direction and guidance
and it needs to come from the home. Fathers
help young people to see the dangers
ahead and how to set boundaries for healthy
living. Proper discipline teaches socially desirable
behaviour and builds character. It
enables children to understand the consequences
and reality of their own decisions
and actions; something that is often missing
in the media they watch.
Provider
Society still values a father who provides
tangible resources for his family. Some fathers
believe that if they provide enough
material things for their kids that they will
be happy. If possessions made one happy,
this generation of young people should be
the happiest ever. However, most long for
relationships more than resources. Dads
can provide time helping with homework,
attending school activities, and caring for
their children. There is a nurturing to fathers
for which all kids long. He sets the
character example for what he wants his
son or daughter to be when they grow up.
Preparer
Many teenagers and young adults are
struggling because they were never properly
prepared for the real world; somehow
life is much simpler on TV. Fathers need to
help their children discover their gifts and
passions and guide them into developing
those passions into a career. Direction on
values, morality, integrity, and character are
also part of the preparation. Parents want
their children to grow up to be responsible
citizens and it doesn’t happen by chance.
It takes an involved father to assist them in
making the right choices in a world where
cheating, bullying, intimidation, and lying
have become the new life-skills if it means
getting ahead. The ultimate goal is to prepare
them to live life on their own with
honour and compassion.
In our own research, Youth Unlimited has
sampled a number of young people asking
what they expect their father to be in a world
that is changing quickly and that often fails
to provide positive direction for them. Here
is a sample of what we heard.
First, they expect their fathers to ask
them how they are doing, how their day
was, and then take time to listen to their answers.
They need to know their father cares
about them. In one Canadian survey, 73
percent of our teens said having someone
to listen to them is “very, very important.”
The internet may be a great place to chat
but is anyone really listening?
Second, they expect their fathers to be
consistent and to model the behaviour and
beliefs they talk about. Fathers are expected
to teach moral beliefs and standards
and to be an example. Young people hate
hypocrisy and double standards. They want
authenticity in a media world of shallowness
and lies.
Third, young people long for fathers to
love them unconditionally. They need to
know that regardless of how stupid they can
be that their dad will love them “no matter
what.” Teens want to see the emotional and
compassionate side of the man they look up
to. It makes their fathers human in a rather
impersonal, technological world.
Fourth, girls want their fathers to treat
them with respect both verbally and physically.
Dads need to set the standard for
what their daughters should expect from
the other men in their life. Honouring your
daughter makes her feel worthy and loved
and helps her get beyond the simple notion
of being an “object” in her youth culture.
Fifth, as much as they need guidance
they also want freedom. Freedom is earned
as they prove they are responsible. Preparing
your teens to live in the real world is a
long and complicated process but very rewarding
when done properly.
There is no doubt we live in a busy world
where everyone’s schedule is more than
full. Fathers feel the pressure of providing
for the family while juggling a hundred other
important tasks. However, in the end, dads
only get one chance to raise their kids properly.
If, as one mother said, “When you die,
the only thing you take with you is the love
and memories of your children,” then the
question becomes, “What will their memories
of us be?”
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