Jun 13, 2016

Teens & Sex Seminar Notes ~ by Paul Robertson (CPYU)

Ed's Note:  When I was unable to attend Paul Robertson's recent Parenting seminar on Teens and Sex, I was able to obtain his notes.  While it certainly isn't the same as attending the seminar, you can get an idea of what's going on in the teen world by looking at his notes.

This is another presentation in this series.  RELATED: Understanding Today's Youth (By Paul Robertson)
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             Paul Robertson , CPYU "Youth Specialist"


T E E N S   &  S E X  
Understanding the Casual Sex Revolution

  • How have the sexual attitudes, beliefs, and activities of young people changed the last 10 years?   ---> Waitress in Orangeville, “It has no value.  It’s just a sport.”





The Cultural Wasteland

1.   Internet – Logged In and Hooking Up

·        advice without moral reference or ethical standards 
·        anything goes and everyone is doing it
·        rapid growth of LGBTG+ can be attributed to Internet

·        no attitude or expectation of sexual restraint
·        nothing that conveys the life-changing seriousness of sex
·        websites assume girls 12-17 are having adventuresome sex lives





·        girls viewing porn online a growing issue
·        girls more likely to be emotionally disturbed by what they see 
·        chat rooms, personal web pages and message boards can be disturbing
·        Kathy Stott, Montreal, asking her 15 year old daughter about masturbation
·        ability to engage in deeply intimate sexual conversation with a stranger only reinforces a mentality in which sexual activity is little more than another form of recreation – one that doesn’t require face-to-face or commitment
·        sexting continues to be a problem even for young girls






2.  Books – Life and Love Between the Covers

·        sex between students is a given








·        teachers routinely display romantic attachment to students as well
·        Ask the Passengers by A.S. King. This book is a necessity to any teen girl who is questioning her sexuality. I've never read a better book about a teen who is confused with her sexuality and her journey in that confusion.
·        books which say there are no consequences or repercussions
·        substitutes cheap thrills for sound and memorable characters; no substance to nourish a young girls mind or uplift her soul
·        no role models or heroes in a world of moral relativism

·        little thought as to how it helps form attitudes (which in turn, inform their behaviour) but also shape their future tastes in reading
·        no wonder books of more literary merit are avoided and are require too much thinking
·        poll of teen reading habits 67% said they like to read about “people or characters who are a lot like me” – not much out there for them


3.  Magazines – Beauty is Only Ink Deep

·        power of visual imagery to hijack truth and make us believe things about life that aren’t really true
·        magazines are mentors – 12 and 13 year old girls indicate they depend on the advice in their teen magazines on how to behave with boys
·        (no parents talking to them –> Just 32% girls and only 10% of boys hear from parents)

·        being read by younger and younger girls
·        boys know they better have bodies like the girls are seeing in the mags and act that way as well

·         girls are taught that it is all about performance and technique, flirting and gossiping, kissing and touching




4.  Television – The “Boob” Tube

·        The LA Complex on MTV where in 15 minutes I saw adultery, 3 some, and hook ups
·        MTV offers Teen Moms and Faking It 'Faking It' is a new romantic comedy about two best friends who love each other - in slightly different ways. After numerous failed attempts to become popular, the girls are mistakenly outed as lesbians, which launches them to instant celebrity status.
·        kids are imitators and act out what they see

·        65% of what Christian teens know about sex they learn from TV and media
·        kids who watch television away from their parents has a rate of intercourse 3-6X higher than those who watched with their families


5.  Music – Aural Sex  (i.e. Aural = Hearing)

·        being with 22,000 kids at Eminem-Limp Bizkit concert singing suck my _____
·        they do know and hear and are influenced by the lyrics
·        average 13-18 listen to about 3 hours of music per day
·        power of music videos for a generation bombarded with visual images of sex
·        after viewing less than one hour of MTV, grade 7-8 students more likely to approve of premarital sex than kids not exposed to the channel
·        lady in Belarus wanting me to come and help parents and pastors and kids deal with the sexual influence of MTV (had second highest teen pregnancy rate in the world)




How Did We Get Here?

1.  An Emphasis on Sexual Self-Expression Over Self-Restraint

·        sexual promiscuity is simply seen as a form of self-expression which everyone, thanks to moral relativism, is entitled
·        there is no icon in music or movies or TV of virtue and restraint

·        part of your self-identity is your sexuality (most common word on mags)
·        the shallowness of pop culture makes it permissible because it requires no thought and no work and no cost
·        believe it really started in the 60s and the hippies and the nudity of Woodstock and what we called back then ‘freedom’

·        (READ) we view self-restraint and self-constraint with suspicion – its not normal – virgins are not normal (Newmarket 13 year old challenge to lost it while her sister was 16 when the pressure started)
·        today, normal is being sexy from the earliest of ages
·        girls as young as 5 already understand that sexy makes you more popular
·        Megan and Candace’s story of her understanding sex mechanics at 8




2.  The Privatization of Religion and Sexual Morality

·        religion has always served as a important check on personal behaviour
·        Judeo-Christian values have been the foundation of our country and our culture
·        (READ)  further we drift from God the further we wander from a deep sense of right and wrong and respect for our bodies
·        as we marginalize religion (McGuinty this week wanting to do away with the Lord’s prayer) we also marginalize the ideas, opinions, and behaviours that go with it
·        McAuley – If you’re baptized, then behave like it – our beliefs determine behaviour         
·        the world doesn’t want to hear us talking about chastity and purity because in a lot of ways it exposes their world view
 Rolling Stone 2005 – “Chastity is a new organizing principle of the Christian right, built on the notion that virgins are among God’s last loyal defender.”
·        you would never talk like this about other religions and get away with it
·        religious people are normally portrayed with derision on TV
·        don’t want us talking about chastity as a viable option
·        result – the pro-sex messages of the culture go largely unchallenged



3.  The Rise of Moral Relativism and the Death of Shame

·        Dave Grossman and shooters not feeling any sense of shame or guilt
·        if we can no longer talk about morality in public we will be overtaken by moral relativism
·        no longer right or wrong but only individual preferences
·        the 10 commandments have now become the 10 suggestions
·        sin has become a conceptual impossibility
·        rise of individualism and narcissism
·        everyone now has their own idea of individual sexual morality and its all right
·        (READ) no longer a sense of sexual shame when you no longer have sexual standards
·        there is no sense of violating anything anymore
·        we have done a poor job of talking about sexual immorality
·        story of Camp Mishewah and Andrea Good’s letter “sometimes I don’t feel guilty for what I did” and “I think they expect it from me”



4.  The Advent of the “Cool Parents”

·        mothers with designer finger nails in Elizabethtown just like their daughters
·        Beaumont, TX – moms getting breast implants with their daughters for graduation
·        too many parents afraid of their kids and therefore become like them
·        life is busy and its easier to be their friends rather than their parents
·        either unable or unwilling to take charge of their children, they focus on being popular with their kids – ie. mother in Mean Girls with breast implants and drinking
·        they ignore the most difficult parts of parenting – setting an example, supervising, and disciplining and just want to be friends
·        no discipline means you don’t love me
·        (READ) culture committed to sexual expression without restraint will destroy their futures






Leading Children and Teens Through our Sexualized Youth Culture

Sexual Immorality

“Anything you do or say which causes a chemical/emotional/physical change in you, causing you to want to go further sexually, and which you know eventually leads to sexual intercourse.”

1.  Love your kids.

            - many kids in America are starving emotionally
            - why they turn to facebook.com and myspace.com for relationships
            - love overcomes a multitude of sins
            - cause our kids to stumble by not loving them
            - studies show that kids who are susceptible to initiating intercourse “had                                           fewer positive connections with parents…”
            - Marianne’s 16 year old turning to sex in absence of a father
            - Wheatley, Ontario woman looking for love in all the wrong places

2.  Teach and discuss God’s sexual standards.

            2.1 Give your children truthful answers to their age appropriate questions.
                        - more you talk, less likely they will be to engage

            2.2 Take time to understand and discuss God’s design for sexuality.
                        - most people don’t understand “sexual immorality” (flee from, put to                              death, no hint of, not commit)
                        - sex is a beautiful thing
                        - me asking about what he likes to do to relax

            2.3 Teach your children that God’s guidelines are because He loves us.
                        - not trying to take the fun out of life
                        - sexual immorality is wrong because God is pure
                        - in our purity we will be happy (Josh’s provisions and protections)

            2.4  Remember the most effective teaching tool is being an example.
           
3.  Teach your children the many good reasons for waiting.

            3.1  Physical reasons
                        - pregnancy, STD, etc.

            3.2  Emotional reasons
                        - Dr. Phil oral sex and girls crying


            3.3  Relational reasons
                        - bring to the marriage bed every place you’ve been
                        - videos of all your encounters

            3.4  Future reasons
                        - stand before your new wife or new husband without shame

            3.5  Spiritual reasons
                        - sexual immorality drives a wedge in our relationship with God

4.  Help them to grow spiritually.

            - living with a biblical worldview and a group who thinks like you do as a teen
            - living in a community of like-minded people

5.  Help them to establish relational dos and don’ts.

            - set the rules and standards for dating and relationships first






Youth Workers Response

·        story of Talik in Massachusetts who brought her mother to the seminar
·        Wainfleet – mother whose son told her about the girls wanting to pop his cherry because he’s a virgin
·        John Wingfield asking the 35 girls in his youth group if parents talked to them about sex and only 2 said yes
·        mother telling me about how important it is for youth workers to be talking to the kids because parents aren’t


1.   Teach and model modesty for our kids.

2.   Remember things are not getting better – best defense is a great offence.

3.   Teach them about sexual purity not just abstinence.  Define sexual immorality.

4.   Know what the media is teaching them – be a culture commando.

5.   Use their culture as a teaching tool.  Bring God’s truth to bear on their changing culture.  – Matt using the OC

6.   Build in them self-confidence based on gifting and passion.

7.  Teach them that virginity actually represents an expression of respect for the awesome power of sexual passion (it takes character and integrity not to give into the passion of the moment – sexuality dedicated to hope, to the future, to marital love, to children and to God)

8.  Teach them that virginity is also an expression of self-respect.  Girls who refuse to play the hook up game but view themselves as more valuable than that. 

9.  Teach them about healthy dating.


10.  Know their media menus and what they are consuming.

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